I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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