if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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