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Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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