She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
