Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i wish my penis had a tongue
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
