life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize