I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
