I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I cut my penus on the lid.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
