There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
