So drunk its hurt
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Randomize
