Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
