Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
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