You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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