Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
