I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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