Jerry, you need to find god
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
