I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Randomize
