nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
