Betty ford says i'm here all night
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
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