: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Deaf chicks here I come
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper