the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
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I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
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I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.