I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?