After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Randomize
