you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
