none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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