Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
