Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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