When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
