did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
