i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
