apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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