Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
