when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
whose ass print is on the piano?
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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