I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
