I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
