I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
