you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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