I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
