I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
