Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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