I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
