I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
