My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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