I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
My balls are so social today.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.