Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?