The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids