I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Randomize
