My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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