I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
