Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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