i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I want a musical about memes.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
