I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
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