Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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