I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Randomize
