I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
my shit smells like andre
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
