youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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