I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
