Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
