did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
