glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Randomize
