Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
