This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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