Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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