Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
