Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
