i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
