I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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