I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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