Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
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