Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
